It hadn't been complicated, really. Or dramatic. Nothing like the sort of grand romance you'd hear in the stories the bards would sing (or even the grittier and occasionally filthy tales that got told once everyone had enjoyed enough drinks). No, it was simple and far too gentle for someone like himself, so much so that Ma Dai hadn't even caught on to the fact he'd fallen in love until two things struck him one day while he was dozing in his friend's chambers.
One, he didn't feel so lonely anymore, and that was especially true when he was in this room. It was a quiet place in all the best ways, shaped and molded by said friend, who was completely unaware of just how peaceful and inviting an environment they created. Time flew by when Ma Dai got to be there!
Two, he really, really wanted to kiss that friend; Xu Shu, styled Yuanzhi, a supremely talented swordsman and tactician with soft eyes, fluffy hair and a rare but gentle smile that made resisting the urge to stare at his lips constantly when they were together incredibly difficult. He was smiling now, in fact.
Oh dear.
The urge to kiss someone wasn't, in truth, a good indication of feelings all on its own. Sometimes a good party and an energetic atmosphere was enough on its own to make someone want to kiss an attractive face, right? Ma Dai was hardly immune to that, but at the same time it wasn't quite the same kind of urge. This was different, a whole new experience; kisses that would matter after they were done and that you would want to do over and over ago with that one special person? And that were maybe, just a little bit, terrifying to think about? He was far too intelligent to miss what that meant, but to his immense frustration, apparently not intelligent enough to know what to do about it.
This was one of the very few times in his life Ma Dai wished he had a bit more of his Young Master's impulsiveness, that desire to act first and think later (if at all). Ma Chao would absolutely just speak his mind and see where things went from there but, ultimately, while Ma Dai dearly loved his kinsman, that approach also had a habit of creating... problems.
Ma Dai did not want to cause problems with Xu Shu. The mere thought of it scared him.
“Umm... are you alright?”
But he couldn't do nothing, either. You couldn't stare at someone constantly without being noticed, especially when they were as sharp as Xu Shu, who was now staring right back with a genuine look of concern on his face. If there was even a touch more self-esteem in the man he'd probably have figured out why Ma Dai was staring, too, but somehow Xu Shu had managed to go his entire time in Shu without realising how many members of Liu Bei's household found him attractive. It was sad, wasn't it? That someone so appealing could think so little of themselves that the sheer power of disbelief overrode their smarts?
Wouldn't it be nice to be the one to help him understand?
“Of course!” Ma Dai sat up, beaming widely and adopting his usual cheery tone. “Why wouldn't I be? It's a bright day, there's no impending battle and I haven't had anyone chase me down for extra work they need me to do! You know that's my favourite kind of day, Xu Shu.”
“Yes, I do,” said Xu Shu, still smiling, which was frankly unfair. “But... would you mind if I spoke frankly? I don't want to bother you...”
“You can talk to me about anything! Go on.”
“I know you aren't always as cheerful as you seem.” Xu Shu's smile finally faded, and he tugged at his collar. “There's a lot of pressure on you, isn't there? Master Ma Chao and Kongming give you plenty to do, and I know there's good reason for it, that you're the right choice and do a lot for our Lord Liu Bei and his cause, but it has to be hard, sometimes. So, well... you can be honest and tell me when it's not alright, I think? You don't have to be, but at the very least, I'd rather if I was causing you any problems you told me about it so we could fix it...”
That was even more unfair. Ma Dai felt rooted to the spot, 'attacked' directly in his weak point; it was his own fault, of course, because he'd painted the outline but failed to fill in the missing details. Those would have told him where this was going to go.
No choice, then. He couldn't, under any circumstances, let Xu Shu think they had problems, even if being direct about his feelings might cause different problems in turn. Frightening ones, in particular the looming shadows of potential rejection, which, rather ridiculously, felt more intimidating than almost anything else he'd faced since joining Shu with his Young Master.
“Ah, you're too intelligent, you know?” Laughing, but shaking his head as well, Ma Dai leaned forward and pointedly held Xu Shu's gaze. “We have absolutely no problems!”
“If you're sure...” Xu Shu didn't look fully convinced, but he did manage to smile again. “I'd rather we didn't.”
“We don't, I promise! But you're right about the rest. So I'm going to be honest with you. I'm distracted. You definitely noticed that I've been staring, so you should know by now that it's you distracting me.”
“Oh... I'm sorry.”
“It's not bad! But I do have to ask... what do you think of me?”
Silence. There was no immediate reply, and for a moment Ma Dai felt really concerned that this was going to go badly, but then Xu Shu began to blush. Just lightly, no more than a dusting, and his brow furrowed like he wasn't quite sure if this was what it seemed, but the entire expression was cute. Lovely, even. It was encouraging, and so Ma Dai pressed on.
“I almost forget the passage of time when we're together... I was hoping you felt the same way?”
There it was, as bare as could be without explicitly spelling out 'I love you.' Which was the truth, yes, but perhaps a bit too strong to throw at someone as naturally shy as Xu Shu during the initial confession... along with, of course, 'all my loneliness vanishes around you, please don't leave me,' which was a whole other level of pressure and, if he was honest with himself, selfishness on Ma Dai's part that would have to stay unsaid for a long time if things went that way. Which they might, right? He watched as Xu Shu's eyes widened a little, traced that blush with his gaze as it grew further and had to very firmly push down the urge to close the distance between them there and then when that utterly perfect smile spread.
Fear had made Ma Dai's heart beat ridiculously fast, but as it started to ebb and retreat it left behind a whole lot of excited energy. There was no 'might' about what he was seeing now. It was exactly what he'd feared he wouldn't see and everything he wanted to.
“Well, umm... did you actually want to hear what I think about you as a whole?” Xu Shu looked a little awkward, and a bit unsure of himself, but above all pleased as he shifted in his seat and looked all around the room. “Or would you prefer a simple yes or no to the second question?”
“It's definitely yes!”
“Ah, but that's... that's not really clearing it up, is it? Perhaps I should keep the answers to myself?”
“Are you teasing me, Xu Shu?” Grinning wide, the adrenalin finally pushed Ma Dai to jump to his feet and spread his arms wide. “I can't believe it! The brilliant strategist has me completely helpless, all I can do is sit and wait for his mercy, and I couldn't be happier about it!”
“When you put it like that I feel ridiculous...”
Xu Shu shook his head, laughing quietly, and pressed the back of his hand against his (lovely, perfect, more desirable than ever) lips before chancing a look upwards and finally meeting Ma Dai's gaze properly. Yet again Ma Dai had to rein himself in; he wanted to sweep in for a proper embrace and steal away as many kisses as he'd be allowed in response, expel all the energy in one burst and show his love without end, but that would have to wait. For a little bit. Maybe he could get that later? He really hoped so, but it was important to keep this comfortable for Xu Shu, make sure they went at his pace.
Step by step. There wasn't anything to worry about anymore, right?. While no clear answer had been given vocally it had been made clear nonetheless, banishing the fear of rejection with it. So Ma Dai instead continued to smile, as happy as he looked for once.
“It's not ridiculous!” He took just one step forward and held out both hands palm up; an invitation, a suggestion. “You can put it however you like, you can talk to me however you like, I'll always be happy to hear it!”
“Are you sure about that?” It's another bit of self-deprecating humour, softened completely by Xu Shu's warm, quiet tone; he hesitated a moment before taking the offered hands and allowing himself to be pulled to his feet. “I can be a bit of a 'downer,' as you'd probably put it... I think I heard you describe yourself that way before, once?”
“Hey, hey now, no using my own words against me!”
“But it's making you smile, Master Ma Dai.”
“Only because you are smiling as you say it! Do you know what it does to me, that smile? It took until now to realise the extent of it but I'm sure I've fallen for you a little bit more every time you've looked at me like that!”
“Oh...”
Xu Shu immediately went quiet, bringing their gentle banter to a halt. He looked overwhelmed, and for a moment Ma Dai wondered if he'd been just a bit too intense (which was hard to stop doing, really hard, when you felt as euphoric as he did) before something frankly amazing happened and wiped that concern away. There was a kiss.
A kiss that he didn't start.
Xu Shu was the instigator and wow, wow, it was light and soft and just barely a press of the lips at first but maybe Ma Dai had overestimated how slow this would need to go. He dropped one of Xu Shu's hands, cupped the back of his head instead and felt utterly thrilled as the kiss got deeper in response; Xu Shu was laughing between breaths, and everything became soft and warm and full of lots and lots of wonderful kisses. There could be no loneliness in a place like this! Not around this lovely man. Sharp and intelligent but also sweet and exciting, much more of a blessing to those around him than he currently understood, and right now Ma Dai felt sure the two of them together could change that. Give Xu Shu some understanding of how much he made the world a better place.
...that might have been the adrenalin talking, of course, the powerful energy and rush of love giving Ma Dai a somewhat biased perspective, but, ah, did it matter? It was true right now, wasn't it?
“Umm, one more thing.”
He certainly made Ma Dai's world brighter, especially when, once the kisses stopped (for now), a breathless, bashful and equally happy Xu Shu confirmed what was now obvious but still wonderful to hear.
“You're right, it's a 'yes.'”
That sealed the deal. Ma Dai had a new favourite kind of day, and was already looking forward to (hopefully) many, many more.