He always ran.
Once, very long ago in a life that felt so distant it was strange to know he'd lived it, he'd fought instead. Angry at a world that was full of injustice, pained deeply on behalf of those who suffered at the hands of others, he'd lashed out with steel that had always cut through air so elegantly at his command. It had seemed a simple solution, the obvious course to the hurting young man, but, well. Flesh and blood was very different to the air, wasn't it? No matter how guilty that 'enemy' had been.
The punishment that followed was nothing compared to the weighty guilt in Shan Fu's chest. So he'd stopped being Shan Fu afterwards, losing the right to the name, and abandoned 'fight' for 'flight.'
When it got too much, when the self-doubt fueled by his many mistakes felt too heavy, Xu Shu started to run instead. Keep moving, don't settle, linger on the spot when necessary only for the sake of his beloved Mother. She was never happy about what he was doing, criticising often and calling him a wilful child; he didn't blame her. But as he couldn't find a place where he fit in, couldn't believe he'd be able to make a difference no matter what he saw or did, running was all that was left. Even during the time he'd found his way into the smiling care of Sima Hui, who'd taught his students without judgment and encouraged each to master the art of strategy in their own way, Xu Shu hadn't stopped fidgeting. He'd gained precious friends in Kongming and Shiyuan but at one and the same time found himself feeling smaller than ever in the loved company.
Kongming was especially intimidating. He was a giant of intellect, something special and almost divine. Their shared master would praise them all equally but he had to know, didn't he? That Xu Shu was the least of them and Zhuge Liang someone gifted beyond measure?
Xu Shu learned all he could, memorised text after text, and then left once Sima Hui judged them all ready. He'd allowed that break in his marathon after concluding that intelligence and a strategist's role was the nobler path, a way he might move on from what lay in his past, but in the end it hadn't felt enough. Kongming hadn't made any comment on the choice, offering a softly spoken farewell. Shiyuan's passing words had been rather different, blunt and probing and concerned all at once. Neither had stopped him from continuing to run.
The land fell further into chaos as he moved across the land, the earth beneath his feet growing redder and redder.
Very often Xu Shu would come across a troubled village and help as he could, dealing with minor troubles and the ever-growing waves of bandit attacks, before the long scars on his back started to itch and he'd leave again even when offered a home by grateful people. Sometimes he found himself drawn to a particular soul, be attracted and tempted, but in the end could not trust in his ability to protect and love enough to let that attraction grow. Over time, though, many of those he helped would talk about a man called Liu Bei, someone with compassionate goals, and Xu Shu would hear this and wonder. Gather each little rumour and store it away until, eventually, that odd and unfamiliar emotion called hope started to grow in his chest. It started to travel with him as his feet hit the ground, getting bigger and bigger, until, while on his way back to see Mother again, he heard that Liu Bei and his sworn brothers were nearby... being pursued by the powerful warlord named Cao Cao.
Liu Bei had no strategist. The enemy was clever. Xu Shu stood and thought very hard before the flickering hope drove him to take a different direction and run somewhere he'd never gone before.
And oh, it had been intimidating. Liu Bei had stared at him with wide blue eyes, open and trusting and immediately showcasing the appeal that would easily draw lost souls in, but was flanked by two giants of men who could only glare down in well-warranted suspicion. Walking in with his hood pulled up had been in some ways an act of great courage and there was a brief flare in Xu Shu as he offered his suggestions and advice to these three, but it didn't grow big enough for him to do anything but offer them a path to someone else. A better someone. A much nobler someone. Zhuge Liang, the best of strategists, deity walking the earth. He lived close-by and would be perfectly placed to both judge Liu Bei's heart in full and guide him along to the destiny he was surely made for.
First, though, there was a battle.
The eight gates stood before them, a deadly formation that could have shredded Liu Bei and his followers, but Xu Shu moved them through it and brought them right to the heart where waited Cao Cao's kin, Cao Ren, the shield of his Lord. Once the shield was near-shattered Xu Shu gave them the steps to take the place, hold it and then move past it. Directed them away while he tried to distract the reinforcements, which he did successfully.
When he was captured it wasn't a surprise, though Xu Shu could only wonder why they'd bother with someone so pitiful. A smiling, golden man stood just far enough back that he couldn't be heard, watched as his captive was bound by soldiers of the Cao, and then, for a while, Xu Shu was on his own again.
This time he couldn't run. There was no way to do so anymore and the inability to flee into the horizon was making his heart beat faster than any drum could manage... but his hope was still moving, right? Liu Bei had escaped after all, a newly minted victory attached to his name. Met Zhuge Liang too, no doubt, and that was enough. He said as much when the imposing conqueror Cao Cao stood before him, expressing admiration to someone who had not earned it, and thus in turn earned that man's scorn.
Xu Shu found a part of him hoping that Cao Cao would cut him open rather than keep him in miserable bondage. End it now, enable the 'escape.' No more running, a release from a world he couldn't manage after doing the one thing he'd ever be good for.
In that moment, the deepest, bleakest moment he'd ever known, Shan Fu internally snarled and lashed out, proving he had never gone, and he did this not with a blade but with words. Hope passed from his lips but determination and desire as well, things he'd never dared to admit he still had before, and it was a shock, painful in its way, because that 'man' should have been gone. He was a ghost, a lingering trauma, an expression of mistakes and wrongdoing, now forcefully coming back to life.
And Shan Fu chose to fight, because Xu Shu couldn't flee, and it caused Cao Cao to turn around. His expression had changed completely, disappointment gone right back to interest, and that was strange too because the things the warlord said then sounded so deeply sincere and appealing that Xu Shu, Shan Fu, whoever he was found that a flare had burst into life in his chest again. This time it absolutely was big enough for him to make the life-changing choice.
Which he made, there and then.
The urge to run wasn't banished, but for the first time in a very long time Xu Shu felt comfortable in knowing he could choose to fight instead and it didn't have to lead to bad things. That maybe sometimes, even when it was hard, even when faced with the pain of fighting the people he'd come to love on his long run, he could trust himself to raise fists and sword without stepping over that dangerous line.
The future didn't seem bright, not quite, but his feet could finally rest.